KERRY DUMBER THAN DUMBYA!

KERRY DUMBER THAN DUMBYA!

Now that he lost the election, John Kerry has finally released the transcript from his Yale years. Turns out he got more Ds than George W. Bush (4-1), and Bush seemed to have slightly better grades... including solid grades in anthropology, history, and philosophy. Overall, Bush had a 77 average, Kerry a 76 (both basically C average... although, it should be pointed out, C average at an Ivy League university).

What's to be gleaned from this? That college success may not be indicative of future performance? That the old adage about C students is true? Or that Bush had more money to bribe his professors with than Kerry? Who knows the truth (other than their old professors and fellow students)?

But this gets me to thinking. Instead of dropping hundreds of millions of dollars in campaign expenses, perhaps the best thing we can do is devise some sort of test to give those who are interested in the presidency. Part-IQ test, part relevant knowledge test, part psychological profile. Even if we still go ahead with the actual campaign and election, just requiring the candidates to complete this battery of tests would be instructive.

And as I think further, let's not limit the tests to standard stuff. Let's find out how the candidates perform on, say, those tests they run in Cosmopolitan all the time. Wouldn't it be instructive to learn which candidate preferred cuddling after sex? Maybe the folks at Quizilla can help us learn which of the Seven Dwarfs the candidates most resemble. Maybe a round of Jeopardy could be required, or even better, how about a turn on the Comedy Channel game show, Distraction? I'd pay to see any presidential candidate with six dozen clothespins attached to his face, wouldn't you?

And should we limit it to written tests? How about putting these pols through one of those Survivor-style challenges? Run them through some nets, make them grab a flag from the bottom of a lagoon, then have them assemble a puzzle. Maybe then they could face Barry Bonds off at a Home Run Derby, or do one of those ESPN football challenges.

I have to admit, though, it scares me to think that a C student is running the country, and that my only other realistic choice last time was another C student from the same smug-guy camp.

Then again, what do I know? My own B+ average at a non-Ivy League School has done me so well.