HELLO SKIPPER! HELLO DAVID!
So after it got out at the office that I had once blogged, people had to go and look. I had complained that I had given up because Blogger™ seemed incapable of actually posting my stuff.
But now... it looks like posts will actually post. So now I have to get back to work.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
OKAY, THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. BUT THERE SURE IS ALL SORTS OF POLITICAL ARROGANCE
The following comes to me as an e-mail, and I hope that I'm not infringing any copyrights by reprinting it.
National Baseball Hall of Fame
April 7, 2003
Mr. Tim Robbins
Dear Mr. Robbins:
The President of the United States, as this nation's
democratically-elected leader, is constitutionally
bound to make decisions he believes are in the best
interests of the American people. After months of
careful deliberations, President Bush made the
decision that it is in our nation's best interests to
end the brutal regime of Saddam Hussein, and to disarm
Iraq of deadly weapons which could be used against its
enemies, including the United States. In order to
accomplish this, nearly 300,000 American military
personnel are in harm's way at the moment. From the
first day we opened our doors in 1939, The National
Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum--and many players and
executives in Baseball's family--has honored the
United States and those who defend our freedoms.
In a free country such as ours, every American has the
right to his or her own opinions, and to express them.
Public figures, such as you, have platforms much
larger than the average American's, which provides you
an extraordinary opportunity to have your views
heard--and an equally large obligation to act and
speak responsibility. We believe your very public
criticism of President Bush at this important--and
sensitive--time in our nation's history helps
undermine the US position, which ultimately could put
our troops in even more danger. As an institution, we
stand behind our President and our troops in this
conflict.
As a result, we have decided to cancel the April 26-27
programs in Cooperstown commemorating the 15th
anniversary of Bull Durham.
Sincerely,
Dale Petroskey
president, Baseball Hall of Fame
Tim Robbins
April 9, 2003
Dear Mr. Petroskey,
As an American and as a baseball fan, I was dismayed
to read your letter canceling my appearance at the
Baseball Hall of Fame due to my public criticism of
President Bush. I had been unaware that baseball was a
Republican sport.
I was looking forward to a weekend away from politics
and war to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Bull
Durham. I am sorry that you have chosen to use
baseball and your position at the Hall of Fame to make
a political statement. I know there are many baseball
fans that disagree with you and even more that will
react with disgust to realize baseball is being
politicized.
As an American who believes that vigorous debate is
necessary for the survival of a democracy, I reject
your suggestion that one must be silent in time of
war. To suggest that my criticism of the President
puts the troops in danger is absurd. If people had
listened to that twisted logic we'd still be in
Vietnam. I must remain skeptical of the war plans of
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, all of whom have never been
in battle, one of whom skirted service in Vietnam for
a cushy stateside job. It does not surprise me that
these men, in their current federal budget have cut
$844 million dollars from Veteran's health care. Yes,
let's support the troops. For Life.
I wish you had, in your letter, saved me the rhetoric
and talked honestly about your ties to the Bush and
Reagan Administrations. You are using what power you
have to infringe upon my rights to free speech and by
taking this action hope to intimidate the millions of
others that disagree with our president. In doing so,
you expose yourself as a tool, blinded by partisanship
and ambition. You invoke patriotism and use words like
freedom in an attempt to intimidate and bully. In
doing so, you dishonor the words patriotism and
freedom and dishonor the men and women who have
fought wars to keep this nation a place where one can
freely express one's opinion without fear of reprisal
or punishment.
Your subservience to your friends in the
administration is embarrassing to baseball and by
engaging in this enterprise you show that you belong
with other cowards and ideologues in the Hall of
Infamy and Shame.
Long live democracy, free speech and the '69 Mets; all
improbable glorious miracles that I have always
believed in.
Sincerely,
Tim Robbins
To add my two bits' worth, prior to seeing these letters, I had already e-mailed Petroskey to complain. I wish Robbins hadn't gotten political back. To my mind, the great thing about baseball is that it democratizes all... it has room for liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats... heck, even communists. All fine. All Petroskey had to do was to ask -- not even order, but ask -- Robbins and Susan Sarandon to keep their politics out of whatever event was to unfold, and nobody would have thought twice about it.
Petroskey has to do what he wants to because the current administration is flexing its muscle like an imperial power, creating a world in its own self-image. You know the old saying, "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." It applies to genetic engineering and it applies to war in Iraq. And it especially applies to a director of a museum who goes out of his way to exclude half of his audience. In the words of Red Foreman -- what a dumbass.
The following comes to me as an e-mail, and I hope that I'm not infringing any copyrights by reprinting it.
National Baseball Hall of Fame
April 7, 2003
Mr. Tim Robbins
Dear Mr. Robbins:
The President of the United States, as this nation's
democratically-elected leader, is constitutionally
bound to make decisions he believes are in the best
interests of the American people. After months of
careful deliberations, President Bush made the
decision that it is in our nation's best interests to
end the brutal regime of Saddam Hussein, and to disarm
Iraq of deadly weapons which could be used against its
enemies, including the United States. In order to
accomplish this, nearly 300,000 American military
personnel are in harm's way at the moment. From the
first day we opened our doors in 1939, The National
Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum--and many players and
executives in Baseball's family--has honored the
United States and those who defend our freedoms.
In a free country such as ours, every American has the
right to his or her own opinions, and to express them.
Public figures, such as you, have platforms much
larger than the average American's, which provides you
an extraordinary opportunity to have your views
heard--and an equally large obligation to act and
speak responsibility. We believe your very public
criticism of President Bush at this important--and
sensitive--time in our nation's history helps
undermine the US position, which ultimately could put
our troops in even more danger. As an institution, we
stand behind our President and our troops in this
conflict.
As a result, we have decided to cancel the April 26-27
programs in Cooperstown commemorating the 15th
anniversary of Bull Durham.
Sincerely,
Dale Petroskey
president, Baseball Hall of Fame
Tim Robbins
April 9, 2003
Dear Mr. Petroskey,
As an American and as a baseball fan, I was dismayed
to read your letter canceling my appearance at the
Baseball Hall of Fame due to my public criticism of
President Bush. I had been unaware that baseball was a
Republican sport.
I was looking forward to a weekend away from politics
and war to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Bull
Durham. I am sorry that you have chosen to use
baseball and your position at the Hall of Fame to make
a political statement. I know there are many baseball
fans that disagree with you and even more that will
react with disgust to realize baseball is being
politicized.
As an American who believes that vigorous debate is
necessary for the survival of a democracy, I reject
your suggestion that one must be silent in time of
war. To suggest that my criticism of the President
puts the troops in danger is absurd. If people had
listened to that twisted logic we'd still be in
Vietnam. I must remain skeptical of the war plans of
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, all of whom have never been
in battle, one of whom skirted service in Vietnam for
a cushy stateside job. It does not surprise me that
these men, in their current federal budget have cut
$844 million dollars from Veteran's health care. Yes,
let's support the troops. For Life.
I wish you had, in your letter, saved me the rhetoric
and talked honestly about your ties to the Bush and
Reagan Administrations. You are using what power you
have to infringe upon my rights to free speech and by
taking this action hope to intimidate the millions of
others that disagree with our president. In doing so,
you expose yourself as a tool, blinded by partisanship
and ambition. You invoke patriotism and use words like
freedom in an attempt to intimidate and bully. In
doing so, you dishonor the words patriotism and
freedom and dishonor the men and women who have
fought wars to keep this nation a place where one can
freely express one's opinion without fear of reprisal
or punishment.
Your subservience to your friends in the
administration is embarrassing to baseball and by
engaging in this enterprise you show that you belong
with other cowards and ideologues in the Hall of
Infamy and Shame.
Long live democracy, free speech and the '69 Mets; all
improbable glorious miracles that I have always
believed in.
Sincerely,
Tim Robbins
To add my two bits' worth, prior to seeing these letters, I had already e-mailed Petroskey to complain. I wish Robbins hadn't gotten political back. To my mind, the great thing about baseball is that it democratizes all... it has room for liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats... heck, even communists. All fine. All Petroskey had to do was to ask -- not even order, but ask -- Robbins and Susan Sarandon to keep their politics out of whatever event was to unfold, and nobody would have thought twice about it.
Petroskey has to do what he wants to because the current administration is flexing its muscle like an imperial power, creating a world in its own self-image. You know the old saying, "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." It applies to genetic engineering and it applies to war in Iraq. And it especially applies to a director of a museum who goes out of his way to exclude half of his audience. In the words of Red Foreman -- what a dumbass.
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
KICKING THE BUCKET ON WILL & GRACE
Someone's going to die on WILL & GRACE. Who is
it?
Okay, but who would care?
Someone's going to die on WILL & GRACE. Who is
it?
Okay, but who would care?
Sunday, February 02, 2003
SEVEN STORIES YOU ONLY KNOW NOW
I got a chill last week NASA announced that it was getting ready to put teachers in space again. Then I woke up Saturday to the news about the Columbia shuttle. Do you get the feeling that there are fates that shouldn't be tempted?
When I was a boy, I loved the space program. Even now, I can tell you the name of every American who flew into space in each of the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs.
Three days ago, I couldn't have told you the names of any of the STS-107 astronauts. I knew one was from Israel... another perhaps unfortunate public relations effort of NASA, just like sending Christa McAuliffe (http://www.starhop.com/cm_bio.htm) into space. Even today, I still can't name all seven without looking.
The risks each took seemed so small these days... over 100 shuttle missions, most of which went smoothly. But once more, we see how enormous the risk is.
Surely, questions will be asked. What hit the wing of the shuttle on liftoff? Why wasn't the wing examined more closely in space? Did NASA downplay the possible damage to avoid taking astronaut time away from paid experiments? If there was a possiblity of damage, why not dock the shuttle with the International Space Station, while it's there, and leave the shuttle in orbit or return it to earth automatically (even if it meant crashing it crewless into the Pacific Ocean)? Or even the first question -- why employ such a bizarre design in the first place?
Most important, remember this: As short as these pioneers' lives were, and as tragically as they died, at least they were aware of the risks they faced. And they were doing what they wanted to. Compare that with the 2,800 who died on September 11, 2001.
Astronaut biographies can be found at http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030202/ap_on_sc/shuttle_astronaut_thumbnails.
I got a chill last week NASA announced that it was getting ready to put teachers in space again. Then I woke up Saturday to the news about the Columbia shuttle. Do you get the feeling that there are fates that shouldn't be tempted?
When I was a boy, I loved the space program. Even now, I can tell you the name of every American who flew into space in each of the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs.
Three days ago, I couldn't have told you the names of any of the STS-107 astronauts. I knew one was from Israel... another perhaps unfortunate public relations effort of NASA, just like sending Christa McAuliffe (http://www.starhop.com/cm_bio.htm) into space. Even today, I still can't name all seven without looking.
The risks each took seemed so small these days... over 100 shuttle missions, most of which went smoothly. But once more, we see how enormous the risk is.
Surely, questions will be asked. What hit the wing of the shuttle on liftoff? Why wasn't the wing examined more closely in space? Did NASA downplay the possible damage to avoid taking astronaut time away from paid experiments? If there was a possiblity of damage, why not dock the shuttle with the International Space Station, while it's there, and leave the shuttle in orbit or return it to earth automatically (even if it meant crashing it crewless into the Pacific Ocean)? Or even the first question -- why employ such a bizarre design in the first place?
Most important, remember this: As short as these pioneers' lives were, and as tragically as they died, at least they were aware of the risks they faced. And they were doing what they wanted to. Compare that with the 2,800 who died on September 11, 2001.
Astronaut biographies can be found at http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030202/ap_on_sc/shuttle_astronaut_thumbnails.
Friday, January 31, 2003
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Thursday, January 16, 2003
WRONG ISRAELI
We send all the wrong people into space. Today's space shuttle mission sent the first Israeli astronaut into space on another mission to continue building the International Space Station.
While this is all wonderful, I can't help thinking that it would be much better if we put Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat up into space, and didn't let them down until they'd come to an agreement they and their people could both live with. I've got to think after a few weeks of nothing but freeze-dried ice cream and lima beans, world peace would be much closer at hand.
While we're at it, how about sending up Saddam Hussein and Kim Il Jong?
Once more, we spend money the wrong way...
We send all the wrong people into space. Today's space shuttle mission sent the first Israeli astronaut into space on another mission to continue building the International Space Station.
While this is all wonderful, I can't help thinking that it would be much better if we put Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat up into space, and didn't let them down until they'd come to an agreement they and their people could both live with. I've got to think after a few weeks of nothing but freeze-dried ice cream and lima beans, world peace would be much closer at hand.
While we're at it, how about sending up Saddam Hussein and Kim Il Jong?
Once more, we spend money the wrong way...
Thursday, January 02, 2003
SHOULD WE PLAN SOME SORT OF PARTY?
>From: MediaPost
>Subject: Real Media Riffs - Friday, Dec 13, 2002
>To:
>X-MpMember: XmpSH.tr.mflynn@traders.com.XmpEH
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002 13:27:00 -0500
>
>
>
>
>
>Friday, December 13, 2002
>
> What Impact Should This Have On This Year’s TV Upfront?: The Mayan
>Calendar, a sophisticated instrument of time and space more than two
>thousand years old, prophesizes that Humanity will come to an abrupt end
>on a date equating to the winter solstice of 2012...exactly ten years from
>this December 21st. Should we be worried? Author Steve Alten, whose novel,
>DOMAIN centers upon the 2012 event, thinks so. "A calendar, in this sense,
>measures how long Earth's solar year is. What's disturbing about the Mayan
>prophecy is that their calendar is actually more accurate than the
>European Calendar we base our current calendar on today -- even though
>it's 1,500 years older. The calendar itself is divided into five great
>cycles. Humanity is presently in the fifth and last cycle, the previous
>four all ending in cataclysms."
>From: MediaPost
>Subject: Real Media Riffs - Friday, Dec 13, 2002
>To:
>X-MpMember: XmpSH.tr.mflynn@traders.com.XmpEH
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002 13:27:00 -0500
>
>
>
>
>
>Friday, December 13, 2002
>
> What Impact Should This Have On This Year’s TV Upfront?: The Mayan
>Calendar, a sophisticated instrument of time and space more than two
>thousand years old, prophesizes that Humanity will come to an abrupt end
>on a date equating to the winter solstice of 2012...exactly ten years from
>this December 21st. Should we be worried? Author Steve Alten, whose novel,
>DOMAIN centers upon the 2012 event, thinks so. "A calendar, in this sense,
>measures how long Earth's solar year is. What's disturbing about the Mayan
>prophecy is that their calendar is actually more accurate than the
>European Calendar we base our current calendar on today -- even though
>it's 1,500 years older. The calendar itself is divided into five great
>cycles. Humanity is presently in the fifth and last cycle, the previous
>four all ending in cataclysms."
MY PROMISE FOR A NEW YEAR
This is no time to be talking about resolutions. Particularly since other people might be reading them. Imagine the embarrassment when I discuss that I resolve not to eat Big Macs anymore.
But, one of my resolutions is to post to this... well, frequently. Daily would be insane. Let's view it like a column... maybe posts three times a week, say Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
That's presuming this gets posted. My December 20 systems check apparently hadn't posted.
Anyway, I'll write to you three times a week; you can e-mail me whenever you like something I've said. That's, of course, mikeflynn@dbug.org. And if I knew how to HTML, that would be a link. But it ain't.
This is no time to be talking about resolutions. Particularly since other people might be reading them. Imagine the embarrassment when I discuss that I resolve not to eat Big Macs anymore.
But, one of my resolutions is to post to this... well, frequently. Daily would be insane. Let's view it like a column... maybe posts three times a week, say Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
That's presuming this gets posted. My December 20 systems check apparently hadn't posted.
Anyway, I'll write to you three times a week; you can e-mail me whenever you like something I've said. That's, of course, mikeflynn@dbug.org. And if I knew how to HTML, that would be a link. But it ain't.
Friday, December 20, 2002
IS THIS THING ON? CHECK... CHECK... TESTING.
At this point, it's been months since I've posted here, and my faithful readers (hi, Chris!) probably assume I've gone fishing or been sent to a mental health facility. I've been procrastinating.
But, since I intend to release this blogsite to the general public, I needed to check that it was still working. So: e-mail me at mikeflynn@dbug.org if you're reading this.
And... happy holidays. (No war in Iraq talk at 11.)
At this point, it's been months since I've posted here, and my faithful readers (hi, Chris!) probably assume I've gone fishing or been sent to a mental health facility. I've been procrastinating.
But, since I intend to release this blogsite to the general public, I needed to check that it was still working. So: e-mail me at mikeflynn@dbug.org if you're reading this.
And... happy holidays. (No war in Iraq talk at 11.)
Friday, May 03, 2002
HERE'S BILLY!
I don't know what excites me more -- the idea that Rosie O'Donnell, Oprah Winfrey and Bryant Gumbel are leaving the air, or NBC is discussing the idea of putting former president William Jefferson Clinton on the air.
There's no doubt that Bill Clinton was the first real TV president. Sure, John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan knew how to use TV, but Bill Clinton was born to be on TV. He was his own afternoon soap opera for eight years. What lie would he be caught in? Was he cheating on his wife? Was his wife too concerned about her own career to serve as a proper spouse? What would become of his daughter? And what about his earnest sidekick, Al?
I am ready and waiting for a Bill Clinton TV show. I just hope it isn't Oprah For Middle-Class White Liberals.
Here's what I want to see on The Bill Clinton Show:
• Cheerleaders. Lots of 'em. Doing dance numbers in slinky blue dresses.
• Prank Phone Calls. I want Bill calling Chief Justice William Rehnquist and asking him if his refrigerator is running.
• Name That Sandwich! We blindfold the ex-prez, then ask him to identify what ingredients are in the sandwich he's fed by an attractive young woman in I Dream of Jeannie garb.
• Beer Shots With Heads of State. Can Bill get King Abdullah to party hearty? You know it!
• Wife-Swapping Auction. At the start of each show, Bill starts an auction; winner gets to go home to Hillary. Any money raised pays off his legal defense expenses.
• Judge Bill. Once a week, Bill dons judicial garb and resolves the petty problems of world leaders. Peace in the Middle East? Leave that to Jimmy Carter. King Juan Carlos stole Jacques Chirac's lawn gnome? Bill's your man!
• Sax Classics. Bill pulls out his ax and plays hits from the past -- everything from Lennon to McCartney.
• Truth or Consequences. Bill calls up an authority figure and tries to lie his way into something.
• Visits With Al. Once a week neighbor Al Gore stops by to discuss how to reinvent something.
I think the Bill Clinton Show would be the first hit of the TiVo Generation. Plan on watching it today!
Tuesday, April 30, 2002
ITEM: SEATTLE MARINERS' STADIUM POLICY SUCKS
Some entrepreneur spent his time and money making and selling "Yankees Suck" t-shirts outside Taxpayer Stadium -- excuse me, Safeco Field -- while the New York Yankees were in town to play the Seattle Mariners this past weekend.
As a transplanted New Yorker who became a Mariners' fan during the team's improbable but exhilarating dash to the pennant in 1995, I have long waited for my adopted town to become true baseball fans. You know, like Yankees fans.
As a boy who practically grew up in the upper deck of Yankee Stadium (general admission seats just $1.50), I learned from the best how to scream, shout, boo, catcall, wheedle and tease both home team and visitor alike. On days when the Stadium was filled to the rafters with crazed fans, seats would be thumped like drums and vocal chords would be sacrificed for any chance that Roy White or Bobby Murcer (or Lou Piniella) would send home the winning run. When I moved to Seattle, whose team played like its AAA cousin 40 miles away in a concrete burial mound I grew to call the Kingdump, I was appalled at both the minimal attendance at games and the almost golflike quiet that fell upon the Home nine. I vividly recall one shout I made -- at an opposing player, no less -- that could not only be heard throughout the empty and cavernous structure, but drew the first of many disapproving stares from fellow spectators. (You could not call them fans.)
I will always be a fan of the Yankees, but I was pleased to learn the other day that those "Yankees Suck" t-shirts were available to the discriminating Mariners fan. (For that matter, I suspect, the entrepreneur in question could sell them on the Internet to the other dozen American League teams plus fans of the New York Mets, who probably regard the Yankees even more malevolently than AL aficionados.
And then -- in a move so totally Third Millennium Pacific Northwest -- the Mariners would not permit anyone wearing those shirts to actually enter Safeco Field. (Could it have something to do with being named for an insurance company?) The shirts in question were offensive and therefore against the team's code of conduct for spectators.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Last year, when I lustily booed Bud Selig at the All-Star Game -- the man who stole the Seattle Pilots, for crying out loud! -- the people around me in our hundred-dollar seats in the nosebleed section gave me the same kind of look one would expect for hocking a loogie in church. These are, in fact, the same fans who think they're cheering Edgar Martinez when they sing-song his first name. Clearly they missed the idea that the Red Sox fans were taunting Darryl Strawberry in 1986 when they sing-songed his name. (Not that it helped them any.)
What's next? What other wry banter or sly irony could be considered by Mariners management to be offensive? Will fans wearing green be ejected from Athletics games? Those in red be tossed from Angels contests? What about someone with Tourette's syndrome? A bad hair-do? A smokers' cough?
I think the Mariners need to update their guide and include it with every ticket sold. In the interim, here (subject to change by Mariners' spokeswoman Rebecca Hale, who, by the way, used to be an actual journalist) (although I guess if she had actually been good at it, she'd be covering the war on terrorism or the trial of the alleged Green River killer) are some t-shirts that may not be worn by visitors to Safeco Field:
* A-Rod Stinks
* Derek Jeter's House Is Messy
* Jorge Posada Slurps His Soup
* Jason Giambi Lets His Peas Touch His Potatoes
* Alfonso Soriano Forgot To Brush His Teeth
* Robin Ventura Doesn't Mow His Lawn
* Roger Clemens Has Coffee Stains On His Furniture
* Andy Pettitte Wears Wrinkled Clothes
* There's A Button Missing On Bernie Williams' Blue Suit
* Shane Spencer Steals Ketchup From McDonald's
* Mariano Rivera Doesn't Polish His Shoes
* Joe Torre Doesn't Wash His Car
* Rondell White Missed A Spot While Shaving
* Mike Mussina Has A Floormat Missing In His SUV
* Orlando Hernandez's Hair Is Mussed
As you can see, all of these are quite offensive and youngsters and sensitive types alike should not be forced to read words of such rudeness.
The worst of all, however, would be to wear this t-shirt. It's so rude, so offensive, so horrible, so unmentionably obscene that any baseball fan would attack you for forcing it into his or her line of sight. So... that t-shirt you have with George Steinbrenner's face on it? Never, ever, ever wear it to a game.
Ever.
Some entrepreneur spent his time and money making and selling "Yankees Suck" t-shirts outside Taxpayer Stadium -- excuse me, Safeco Field -- while the New York Yankees were in town to play the Seattle Mariners this past weekend.
As a transplanted New Yorker who became a Mariners' fan during the team's improbable but exhilarating dash to the pennant in 1995, I have long waited for my adopted town to become true baseball fans. You know, like Yankees fans.
As a boy who practically grew up in the upper deck of Yankee Stadium (general admission seats just $1.50), I learned from the best how to scream, shout, boo, catcall, wheedle and tease both home team and visitor alike. On days when the Stadium was filled to the rafters with crazed fans, seats would be thumped like drums and vocal chords would be sacrificed for any chance that Roy White or Bobby Murcer (or Lou Piniella) would send home the winning run. When I moved to Seattle, whose team played like its AAA cousin 40 miles away in a concrete burial mound I grew to call the Kingdump, I was appalled at both the minimal attendance at games and the almost golflike quiet that fell upon the Home nine. I vividly recall one shout I made -- at an opposing player, no less -- that could not only be heard throughout the empty and cavernous structure, but drew the first of many disapproving stares from fellow spectators. (You could not call them fans.)
I will always be a fan of the Yankees, but I was pleased to learn the other day that those "Yankees Suck" t-shirts were available to the discriminating Mariners fan. (For that matter, I suspect, the entrepreneur in question could sell them on the Internet to the other dozen American League teams plus fans of the New York Mets, who probably regard the Yankees even more malevolently than AL aficionados.
And then -- in a move so totally Third Millennium Pacific Northwest -- the Mariners would not permit anyone wearing those shirts to actually enter Safeco Field. (Could it have something to do with being named for an insurance company?) The shirts in question were offensive and therefore against the team's code of conduct for spectators.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Last year, when I lustily booed Bud Selig at the All-Star Game -- the man who stole the Seattle Pilots, for crying out loud! -- the people around me in our hundred-dollar seats in the nosebleed section gave me the same kind of look one would expect for hocking a loogie in church. These are, in fact, the same fans who think they're cheering Edgar Martinez when they sing-song his first name. Clearly they missed the idea that the Red Sox fans were taunting Darryl Strawberry in 1986 when they sing-songed his name. (Not that it helped them any.)
What's next? What other wry banter or sly irony could be considered by Mariners management to be offensive? Will fans wearing green be ejected from Athletics games? Those in red be tossed from Angels contests? What about someone with Tourette's syndrome? A bad hair-do? A smokers' cough?
I think the Mariners need to update their guide and include it with every ticket sold. In the interim, here (subject to change by Mariners' spokeswoman Rebecca Hale, who, by the way, used to be an actual journalist) (although I guess if she had actually been good at it, she'd be covering the war on terrorism or the trial of the alleged Green River killer) are some t-shirts that may not be worn by visitors to Safeco Field:
* A-Rod Stinks
* Derek Jeter's House Is Messy
* Jorge Posada Slurps His Soup
* Jason Giambi Lets His Peas Touch His Potatoes
* Alfonso Soriano Forgot To Brush His Teeth
* Robin Ventura Doesn't Mow His Lawn
* Roger Clemens Has Coffee Stains On His Furniture
* Andy Pettitte Wears Wrinkled Clothes
* There's A Button Missing On Bernie Williams' Blue Suit
* Shane Spencer Steals Ketchup From McDonald's
* Mariano Rivera Doesn't Polish His Shoes
* Joe Torre Doesn't Wash His Car
* Rondell White Missed A Spot While Shaving
* Mike Mussina Has A Floormat Missing In His SUV
* Orlando Hernandez's Hair Is Mussed
As you can see, all of these are quite offensive and youngsters and sensitive types alike should not be forced to read words of such rudeness.
The worst of all, however, would be to wear this t-shirt. It's so rude, so offensive, so horrible, so unmentionably obscene that any baseball fan would attack you for forcing it into his or her line of sight. So... that t-shirt you have with George Steinbrenner's face on it? Never, ever, ever wear it to a game.
Ever.
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