"HEMINGWAY WAS RIGHT"

Survival, with honor, that outmoded and all-important word, is as difficult as ever and as all-important to a writer. Those who do not last are always more beloved since no one has to see them in their long, dull, unrelenting, no-quarter-given-and-no-quarter-received, fights that they make to do something as they believe it should be done before they die. Those who die or quit early and easy and with every good reason are preferred because they are understandable and human. Failure and well-disguised cowardice are more human and more beloved.
--Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

You could talk about how Warren Zevon died too young, or you could talk about how Warren Zevon lived his life as if he were one of Galileo's experiments on the acceleration of gravity, or you could talk about how his work was dark, or quaint, or funny.

But ultimately, you could talk about Warren Zevon forever and ever, because he had the uncanny ability to look deep inside of you and see not only your soul, but your internal organs and the connective tissue, and think how ironic it all is.

I first found Warren Zevon through the song that probably is the one his most casual fans know, "Werewolves of London." I knew he thought the way I did when I heard of how he espied "a werewolf drinking a pi?a colada at Trader Vic's," whose "hair was perfect." Later, much later, my spouse pointed out it was a metaphor, and it is, but it's still a damn funny song.

But the song that made me realize that Warren Zevon understood me was "Excitable Boy," a song both happy and repulsive all at once, just like life, and just like each of us.

Nobody saw life like Warren Zevon. I'm sure nobody will quite see the afterlife like Zevon, either.

IS THIS REALLY A FAMILY SONG?

Y.M.C.A.

Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy

Young man, there's a place you can go
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean
You can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel.

Young man, Are you listening to me
I said, young man, what do you want to be
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams,
but you've got to know this one thing.

No man, does it all by himself
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can help you today

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything for young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
You can get yourself clean
You can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel.

Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
I said, I was down and out with the blues
I felt, no man cared if I were alive
I felt the whole world was so jive

That's when someone came up to me
and said young man take a walk up the street
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
They have everything For young men to enjoy.
You can hang out with all the boys.

Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.
Young man, Young man, there's no need to feel down
Young man, Young man, pick yourself off the ground

Y.M.C.A.
just go to the Y.M.C.A.
Young Man, Young Man, I was once in your shoes,
Young Man, Young Man, I was out with the blues

Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.
Y.M.C.A.

I'm just asking.

BOBBY BONDS: HALL OF FAME

It's always sad when a parent dies. My sympathies go out to Barry Bonds and his family. Bonds the elder clearly touched many people.

One was Willie Mays. Perhaps the greatest centerfielder in baseball, the second-greatest (at least for the moment) home run hitter in history, Mays is Barry Bonds' godfather. And, in the wake of Bobby Bonds' death, Mays said that Bobby Bonds deserved to be in the Hall of Fame.

*sigh*

Baseball players, even the greats, apparently, just have no sense of history. I remember that Don Mattingly had no idea who Lou Gehrig was and believed Babe Ruth to be mythical, not real. Many of today's players have no idea who older players were. And finally, there are those players who confuse talent -- which every major leaguer has -- with success. Bobby Bonds was a very good player, but based on his peregrinations, it's also clear that he was not good enough for a team to hold onto him no matter what. After playing seven years with the Giants, he played seven more with seven different teams.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Bobby Bonds. But what I am complaining about is the inability to separate the truly great from the very good. When in doubt, a player should be left out.

Visit a website I like called www.Baseball-Reference.com. There they use Bill James' way of calculating similar players. I looked up Bobby Bonds, and here's what www.Baseball-Reference.com gives:

Similar Batters

1. Ron Gant (907)
2. Reggie Smith (888)
3. Jack Clark (884)
4. George Foster (883)
5. Fred Lynn (875)
6. Roy Sievers (868)
7. Dick Allen (866)
8. Ellis Burks (865)
9. Bobby Murcer (864)
10. Rocky Colavito (862)

Most Similar by Age

22. Jim King (981)
23. Oddibe McDowell (973)
24. Ellis Burks (953)
25. Jack Clark (952)
26. Andre Dawson (957)
27. Jack Clark (943)
28. Jack Clark (933)
29. Dale Murphy (919)
30. Dave Winfield (922)
31. Dave Winfield (914)
32. Dale Murphy (913)
33. Dale Murphy (918)
34. Dwight Evans (904)
35. Dwight Evans (908)

You'll notice that these are all very good players, but of them, only Dave Winfield is in the Hall of Fame. I might make an argument for Dwight Evans, but nobody else has.

The Hall of Fame belongs to the greats. Let's let logic, not emotion, keep it so.

Summer Fizzles

Today's Seattle Post-Intelligencer reprinted a Hugh Hart article from the San Francisco Chronicle on summer movies that sizzled, in which the author pretended to explain it.

The article proves that nobody in Hollywood or the community of film critics has a clue about why the public buys anything.

For instance, one wag named Brandon Gray (of a company called "Box Office Mojo," golly gee) said that the reason Hollywood Homicide failed was because nobody wanted to see its "iconic" star Harrison Ford riding a little girl's bicycle. That could be true. A very good film, Last Action Hero, failed because his core audience didn't want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger making fun of action flicks and because people who would have liked to see action flicks lampooned didn't want to see an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. But I contend that the real failure of Hollywood Homicide was its title. It didn't sound like a comedy, and I feared a film more the gritty and bloody shoot-'em-ups so popular with the kids. Fans of those movies probably didn't want to see a Harrison Ford film. Oh, and one more thing: Harrison Ford is old. He's not a star of the current generation. Some actors make this transition well, some don't.

The other film mentioned in the same paragraph was The In-Laws, the remake of the wonderful 1970s film starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. Okay, I didn't see that one either. But the two have in common this: Old leading men who are trying to be younger on-screen and off-screen. Douglas is (repulsively) married to one of the world's most beautiful women, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Ford is dating the equally young (although substantially lesser) Calista Flockhart. I have to think that if they think their personal lives are going so well, the rest of the world will think they're attractive. I don't think so.

By the way, The In-Laws failed because remakes should never be made. (Unless it's A Star Is Born, which seems to be the exception to the rule.)

You know what's worse than a remake? Something set in an era that nobody remembers. Such was the case with Down With Love, the romantic comedy made to look like, and set in the era of, Rock Hudson and Doris Day. Hollywood has it half-right: Some people will search out movies starring their favorites. But Renee Zellweger probably hasn't reached that point yet. But more likely the potential audience will run out and see a film with a favorite star if it offers a premise that makes sense for that star. (See Harrison Ford and Michael Douglas.) Kindergarten Cop was a hit because people like Schwarzenegger (maybe too much, but that will soon be California's problem) and thought it would be interesting to see him in that situation. (Note: See -- we'll watch a movie in which an icon does silly stuff.) Baby boomers think the world is interested in what they remember, and think. It's not. It's on to 8 Mile.

As for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, you can name the problems with this movie (which, by the way, I enjoyed well enough at a matinee price). First, it's set in the past. Second, it stars Sean Connery, who may have retained his attraction well into his dotage, but seems to have lost that a film or three back. (In fact, I can name the film -- Entrapment -- ironically co-starring the young and babelicious Zeta-Jones. That was when my wife and I first realized Connery had merely gotten creepy.) It also appears that once Connery was cast, there was no money in the budget for any other actors of equal power to appear in the League with him. The film also had huge script problems, starting with how Captain Nemo got a submarine to Paris (solved by the scriptwriter by not showing it), and continuing with how all the characters decided with little provocation on whom the red-herring traitor in the group was.

Why did Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life not succeed? I don't know. Wasn't it advertised on Fox enough? Gray contends that the word "cradle" turned off the testosterone crowd. Maybe. I didn't know what the film's name was, it was just Lara Croft II as far as I was concerned. I think the audience was probably tired of star Angelina Jolie and her hyper-publicized split from Billy Bob Thornton. Plus, like League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, its main base is England. That works for Austin Powers movies, because those are jokes, but really, nobody in the USA really cares about anyone from England, not in a serious movie.

Then there's Gigli. Haven't seen it, but I will one day. But my first reaction when I heard about this movie was it would fail simply because of the title. Aside from Italian-Americans who are still close to their heritage, nobody knows what this word means or how to pronounce it. Oh, and by the way: I don't think Ben Affleck can carry a film on his own yet, either... face it, Colin Farrell stole Daredevil, and guys wanted to see Jennifer Garner as much as another Marvel super-hero. Let me rephrase my point: Anybody remember Pearl Harbor? One assessment here by Gray I agree with: Guys think Affleck is whipped, and that ain't going to help him be a guy's guy.

Of course, the film that turned out to be the summer's biggest hit starred the voice of a man who has played nebbish after nebbish and a woman whose sexual preference got her booted off the air by ABC: Finding Nemo, featuring Albert Brooks and Ellen De Generes. De Generes is hated by a big portion of the country because she "promotes the gay lifestyle" -- I know people who refer to her as "Ellen Degenerate." I guess enough people are comfortable with her, however, because they saw Finding Nemo in droves. It helps to have a wonderful script about a father's love for his son and amazing, state-of-the-art Pixar animation (our stock is up since we bought it).

All that said, take what I say with a grain of salt. I think much of the film-going audience is composed of idiots and many critics are fools. I like Ishtar, widely considered to be a failure. I love The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (and you should, too). I thoroughly enjoyed Last Action Hero.

Ultimately, the problem in Hollywood is that apparently it's not important to first have a good script. It's important to have a "bankable" star (though a large number of big hits have been made without them), or to have a movie that's like a movie that was a hit. Just give us a compelling story with actors it's easy to care about and you'll get a hit. It can't be that hard.

Then again, marketing seems to be a challenge for most companies. Remember New Coke?

AMAZING TRUE STORY! (Gleefully Stolen and Adapted)

On a tour of the US, the Pope took a few days off to visit the beach to relax. He was cruising along the sands in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a BOSTON RED SOX jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing NEW YORK YANKEES jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Red Sox fan from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "what was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

BLACKING OUT

I almost don't believe the massive blackout on the east coast today. It can't happen -- I'm not there. I was in 1965 when I was 8, and I was there in 1977 when I was driving back from dropping my cousin at her boyfriend's house and it got very, very dark.

To the denizens of New York, I say mazel tov. I am glad that you managed to avoid breaking into stores and making off with televisions and shoulder-mounted rocket launchers. To those of you who had to trudge home from midtown Manhattan to Bay Ridge or Pelham Bay or Flushing or (God help you) Belle Harbor... well, the deity of your choice bless you.

But let me say this about blackouts. They're good for the soul. You remember what's important about life. Things like air conditioning (which we in Seattle don't use much). Elevators (useful when your office is on the 35th floor, as was mine when I worked at NW Ayer in 1980-82). ATMs (although when I first worked there was no such thing) (yes, I'm old). Not to mention your good old-fashioned electric toothbrushes, desktop computers, cable televisions and George Foreman Electric Grills. Imagine a world with none of these things.

But mostly what I thought about today was...

WHY ARE THE YOUNG SO STUPID?

I was out tonight watching my 35+ baseball team lose (my doctor says I have achilles tendonitis and shouldn't run for another month), so I asked the spouse to tape the news coverage. One young woman was being interviewed by Wolf Blitzer, and I had to replay her comments two or three times to be sure I heard her correctly.

She'd been at her dentist's office, actually in the process of having her teeth drilled, referring to working in the "time zone" of "thirty, forty years ago when there was no electricity." Granted this woman probably had a stressful day, but someone who works on a trading floor should be bright enough to know that we've had electricity in this country since Thomas Edison. And most time zones I know are about 1,000 miles wide and about an hour's time difference, not thirty years.

Then again, someone actually employed this woman, so I guess old folks aren't that bright, either.

WHERE'S TED'S HEAD?

In a development more reminiscent of the 1962 Mets (or the 2003 Tigers), Ted Williams' head has been dropped, drilled, cracked, shaved, and worse since his death a little over a year ago.

You know, I'd like to live forever. Who wouldn't like to really reap the rewards of compound interest, or see the Boston Red Sox finally win another World Series? But Futurama aside, I find it difficult to believe that it makes sense to be frozen after death. You're dead. Live with it.

But what kind of nimwit organization is Alcor, anyway? They've dropped Ted's head! Cracking it! That's just wrong.

HELLO SKIPPER! HELLO DAVID!

So after it got out at the office that I had once blogged, people had to go and look. I had complained that I had given up because Blogger™ seemed incapable of actually posting my stuff.

But now... it looks like posts will actually post. So now I have to get back to work.

OKAY, THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. BUT THERE SURE IS ALL SORTS OF POLITICAL ARROGANCE



The following comes to me as an e-mail, and I hope that I'm not infringing any copyrights by reprinting it.

National Baseball Hall of Fame
April 7, 2003
Mr. Tim Robbins

Dear Mr. Robbins:

The President of the United States, as this nation's
democratically-elected leader, is constitutionally
bound to make decisions he believes are in the best
interests of the American people. After months of
careful deliberations, President Bush made the
decision that it is in our nation's best interests to
end the brutal regime of Saddam Hussein, and to disarm
Iraq of deadly weapons which could be used against its
enemies, including the United States. In order to
accomplish this, nearly 300,000 American military
personnel are in harm's way at the moment. From the
first day we opened our doors in 1939, The National
Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum--and many players and
executives in Baseball's family--has honored the
United States and those who defend our freedoms.

In a free country such as ours, every American has the
right to his or her own opinions, and to express them.
Public figures, such as you, have platforms much
larger than the average American's, which provides you
an extraordinary opportunity to have your views
heard--and an equally large obligation to act and
speak responsibility. We believe your very public
criticism of President Bush at this important--and
sensitive--time in our nation's history helps
undermine the US position, which ultimately could put
our troops in even more danger. As an institution, we
stand behind our President and our troops in this
conflict.

As a result, we have decided to cancel the April 26-27
programs in Cooperstown commemorating the 15th
anniversary of Bull Durham.

Sincerely,
Dale Petroskey
president, Baseball Hall of Fame


Tim Robbins
April 9, 2003

Dear Mr. Petroskey,

As an American and as a baseball fan, I was dismayed
to read your letter canceling my appearance at the
Baseball Hall of Fame due to my public criticism of
President Bush. I had been unaware that baseball was a
Republican sport.

I was looking forward to a weekend away from politics
and war to celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Bull
Durham. I am sorry that you have chosen to use
baseball and your position at the Hall of Fame to make
a political statement. I know there are many baseball
fans that disagree with you and even more that will
react with disgust to realize baseball is being
politicized.

As an American who believes that vigorous debate is
necessary for the survival of a democracy, I reject
your suggestion that one must be silent in time of
war. To suggest that my criticism of the President
puts the troops in danger is absurd. If people had
listened to that twisted logic we'd still be in
Vietnam. I must remain skeptical of the war plans of
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld, all of whom have never been
in battle, one of whom skirted service in Vietnam for
a cushy stateside job. It does not surprise me that
these men, in their current federal budget have cut
$844 million dollars from Veteran's health care. Yes,
let's support the troops. For Life.

I wish you had, in your letter, saved me the rhetoric
and talked honestly about your ties to the Bush and
Reagan Administrations. You are using what power you
have to infringe upon my rights to free speech and by
taking this action hope to intimidate the millions of
others that disagree with our president. In doing so,
you expose yourself as a tool, blinded by partisanship
and ambition. You invoke patriotism and use words like
freedom in an attempt to intimidate and bully. In
doing so, you dishonor the words patriotism and
freedom and dishonor the men and women who have
fought wars to keep this nation a place where one can
freely express one's opinion without fear of reprisal
or punishment.

Your subservience to your friends in the
administration is embarrassing to baseball and by
engaging in this enterprise you show that you belong
with other cowards and ideologues in the Hall of
Infamy and Shame.

Long live democracy, free speech and the '69 Mets; all
improbable glorious miracles that I have always
believed in.

Sincerely,
Tim Robbins

To add my two bits' worth, prior to seeing these letters, I had already e-mailed Petroskey to complain. I wish Robbins hadn't gotten political back. To my mind, the great thing about baseball is that it democratizes all... it has room for liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats... heck, even communists. All fine. All Petroskey had to do was to ask -- not even order, but ask -- Robbins and Susan Sarandon to keep their politics out of whatever event was to unfold, and nobody would have thought twice about it.

Petroskey has to do what he wants to because the current administration is flexing its muscle like an imperial power, creating a world in its own self-image. You know the old saying, "Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should." It applies to genetic engineering and it applies to war in Iraq. And it especially applies to a director of a museum who goes out of his way to exclude half of his audience. In the words of Red Foreman -- what a dumbass.

KICKING THE BUCKET ON WILL & GRACE

Someone's going to die on WILL & GRACE. Who is
it?

Okay, but who would care?

SEVEN STORIES YOU ONLY KNOW NOW

I got a chill last week NASA announced that it was getting ready to put teachers in space again. Then I woke up Saturday to the news about the Columbia shuttle. Do you get the feeling that there are fates that shouldn't be tempted?

When I was a boy, I loved the space program. Even now, I can tell you the name of every American who flew into space in each of the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo programs.

Three days ago, I couldn't have told you the names of any of the STS-107 astronauts. I knew one was from Israel... another perhaps unfortunate public relations effort of NASA, just like sending Christa McAuliffe (http://www.starhop.com/cm_bio.htm) into space. Even today, I still can't name all seven without looking.

The risks each took seemed so small these days... over 100 shuttle missions, most of which went smoothly. But once more, we see how enormous the risk is.

Surely, questions will be asked. What hit the wing of the shuttle on liftoff? Why wasn't the wing examined more closely in space? Did NASA downplay the possible damage to avoid taking astronaut time away from paid experiments? If there was a possiblity of damage, why not dock the shuttle with the International Space Station, while it's there, and leave the shuttle in orbit or return it to earth automatically (even if it meant crashing it crewless into the Pacific Ocean)? Or even the first question -- why employ such a bizarre design in the first place?

Most important, remember this: As short as these pioneers' lives were, and as tragically as they died, at least they were aware of the risks they faced. And they were doing what they wanted to. Compare that with the 2,800 who died on September 11, 2001.

Astronaut biographies can be found at http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20030202/ap_on_sc/shuttle_astronaut_thumbnails.

MAYBE THIS TIME BARRIS WILL USE MORE THAN A GONG

According to a story in Zen Entertainment (http://zentertainment.com/article.php?sid=3D6840=20), there's a chance The Gong Show will return. I say give Barris a gun instead of a gong. Now THAT'S reality TV worth watching!